1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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