I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
