FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
