I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
