His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
