I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I want to be your penis for a week.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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