nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How does it feel to date your dad?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
