Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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