You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
