I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
