yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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