My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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