At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
