i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
