im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
