Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
