He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
