I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
