The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
