She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
