I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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