I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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