I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
