If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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