we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
