apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
