I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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