these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
