highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I want her autograph on my taint
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
