Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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