there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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