Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
