did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
