hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
