i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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