I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
