if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
