genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
where does the pee come out of this thing
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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