i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I fill condoms, not promises.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
