Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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