being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
