Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
