i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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