A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
