Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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