she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
