I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
