We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
