Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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