I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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