Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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