I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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